Friday, November 15, 2013

{Just A Step Away Excerpt}

Okay, lovelies, here it is! Please give a warm welcome to Lanie's brother, Willard! And if you all are accustomed to my goofy sense of humor, this little bitty will not phase you in the least....::smiles sweetly::

Onward we go!


I had no idea what I did to deserve this shit. It was a fucking tuna sandwich, for crying out loud!

“I don’t think I can walk any further. Seriously. I think I need a tree.” The last thing I would’ve ever saw myself doing was squatting near a tree. Even as a child when my family would go camping, we’d always end up at a spot where there were restrooms. “Nope. Can’t make it.”

“Chill out, Hoss, we’re almost there.”

There was nothing ahead of us but a stall. It sure as hell didn’t look like a fucking restroom. 

“There, where?” I said, voice strained.

I heard Willard chuckle and I seriously wanted to strangle the beefy fucker within an inch of his life.

“Welcome to Willard’s Crapper!”

My eyes flew open as wide as they could go. Was he fucking serious? I stood in front of the wood box and cringed when I got a whiff of the foulest odor I’d ever smelled.

“It’s an outhouse, Hoss. My outhouse, so treat her nice.” Willard’s face lit up when he spoke of the thing as an actual person. He was no doubt proud. “I built her myself.”

I looked at the box and then back at Willard. “You want me to go in that? In that smelly thing? Are you fucking insane? What’s wrong with the one inside the house?”

“Broken,” he said, a half grin pulling at the side of his mouth. “Don’t flush.”

Sweat doubled on my forehead as I stood regarding Willard’s crappy outhouse. But when my stomach gurgled as though it was in agony, I made the executive decision to trust the large oaf. Trying not to move too much, I reached for the slender handle and pulled it open. 

As soon as I did, I regretted it.

“Holy shit!”

“That about sums it up.” Willard smiled at me and lifted his brows. He waved his hand toward the outhouse. “To shit or be shitted on. That is the question.”

I swore that I was going to knock that smirk right off of the idiot’s face. But first, I needed to go.

Holding my breath, I slipped through the door and closed it behind me. I tried not to look around at my surroundings but it was like a bad train wreck. You know you shouldn’t look, but you do. 

I looked around. The place was surprisingly clean, considering what it was and where it was located. I almost face palmed myself when I searched around for toilet seat covers. Finally, realizing that it was now or never and that I couldn’t hold it any longer, I sat down and handled my business. I was only in there for half a second when I heard the other side of the door lock.

What the fuck?

“Hello? Dude, you out there? Hello?” I started to panic, sitting there on the wooden throne. “Dude!”

“You and me need to do some talkin’, Hoss.”

Oh, fuck.

“Well, whatever you need to talk to me about I think can wait, don’t you?” Could this guy be any more of a dip shit? “Besides, I kind of doubt that we have much to discuss.”

“My sister, Hoss.” Fuck. “I know that girl didn’t have a boyfriend last week when I talked to her, so how did she happen to stumble on to your ass so quick? You one of those perverts that patrols the internet, looking for some poor chick to take advantage of?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I was still on the pot trying to concentrate when Willard continued talking out of his ass.

“Look, Hossy Hoss, you can’t fool me, ‘cause I’m kind of smart. So, let’s have it.”

And this just kept getting better and better. “Did you just say that you’re kinda smart? You know, that isn’t really something that one should ever admit.”

A fist laid into the door, and I momentarily jumped, ass lifting from the toilet seat.

“Do not toy with me, Hoss! If you don’t get to explainin’ what’s going on, I will leave you in this shit box. And if you think it gets any cooler in the evening, you’ve got another thing coming. This place will smell to high Heaven come six o’clock.”


And now that I've hit your funny bone, don't forget to add it to your TBR lists, lovelies! November 20th is right around the corner!

Just A Step Away on Goodreads!

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